What a couple of days. For about a week now I have really felt that there has been something wrong with our pregnancy. Trying to talk myself out of thinking that it's anything but my paranoia, I never called the doctor. Yesterday though, I just couldn't take it and I made an appointment for later that afternoon. We found out that our baby is not living anymore. Yesterday I think that I went through every emotion there was to go through. Sadness, anger, bitterness, gratefulness. Then last night I self-medicated myself so I couldn't feel anything anymore and went to sleep. I kept myself busy enough today that I only had moments here and there to actually think about what I am going through. But now, in the night, while my kids are in bed and my hubby is working late and I am alone at my computer, I have lots of time to think.
I love my family. My husband is so wonderful, loving, and hard-working. We have 2 very beautiful and healthy children. We really don't have many struggles in life and our marriage. Not that I am asking for them, but this - bringing children into our family - seems to be our struggle. I find this evening that I am counting my blessings.... would you like to see them?
Tiny toes and meeting Dallin for the first time....
Meeting Maggie for the first time and then her blessing day....
Maggie's issues with bows and her mischievous looks that let me know I am going to have my hands full when she is bigger!
Outside time with both my kids and dinks!
Dallin's joy at looking at Maggie's toes and getting his fingers nipped by a swan....
Halloween and daddy's willingness to dress up and daddy the pack mule!
Dallin wanting to wear hats just like daddy and of course his disguise that he colored all over himself!
A happy and healthy family!
I have so much to be grateful for. As angry and bitter as I would love to be - I know that it wouldn't be productive. It's not going to bring our little one back to us. I just have to hug and hold the children that Heavenly Father has given to us and be very thankful for them.
Thank you so much to all of our friends and family that are praying for us and thinking of us. We will grow from this experience. I know that we will.
2 comments:
I have not been able to stop thinking about you since our phone call, and have shed many tears - I'm doing so right now! I just love you all and have you in my heart and in my prayers. You do have a beautiful beautiful family and I think your blog entry was such a neat celebration of that. I'm so sorry about your baby. I'll call you soon to check in.
You do have a wonderful family. I'm so sorry to you and Scott for your loss. Your two children are so fun and adorable and would make a great big brother and sister to another little child. Prayers of comfort and strength are being offered to your family.
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